Who Am I

Is This Me

Who am I? What is my name? How long have I been here? The moon shines brightly through the cracked window. Casting a hazy glow on the dirty floor. Loose floorboards scratch her legs, causing discomfort. Spiders run swiftly across her face. Their feathery legs give her a shiver.  She doesn’t move, she doesn’t flinch. She’s been here too long. The days are endless, and the nights have no meaning. She was once afraid of the dark, but she found out the darkness isn’t what hurts her. He’s human, he treads softly and loves to startle and frighten her. Take her by surprise. For days she cried endlessly. She has no tears left. She’s alone, with no hope nor promise for a better tomorrow. 

When she was first taken, she tried to obey. She tried to please him. She soon learned there is no pleasing him. He comes in and takes what he wants with no thought of her or her comfort. 

The chain around her ankle has broken her skin. Blood runs freely down onto the floor to join the stains already there. She knows with a certainty there were others here before her.

Her mind hasn’t broken. Her spirit is alive. Her body and soul lay in pieces underneath the tattered thin blanket he gives her for cover. No pillow to rest her head. No mattress to ease her bones. No soothing voice from her mama telling her everything will be alright. 

When he enters the small room, her mind goes to another place. As he uses her body for his pleasure, she thinks of puppies and kittens, and dandelions in a field. Softly swaying in the warm breeze. 

When he first brought her down here, he promised her he’d let her go. She doesn’t know how much time has passed, but she knows with certainty she’s been here a while. 

He doesn’t speak to her. She knows he thinks of her as an empty vessel. Something he can use and discard quickly. He feels no guilt or remorse. He is evil walking upright. No shred of decency or humanity. His eyes are empty and flat. Devoid of anything resembling a human. A shark's eyes. He is a hunter, a predator and a killer. His depravity knows no bounds. 

She used to wonder. Why me? Have I done something so terrible in my life that I deserve this? She cannot think of any sound reason why he chose her. Her thoughts are her own. She has all the time in the day to try and rationalize his way of thinking. Why he wants to torture her the way he does.

Once upon a time she tried reasoning with him. Telling him she wouldn’t tell anyone if he’d let her go. It would be their secret. No one else has to know. He’d stare at her with his eyes, and she knew in that moment she was never going to leave this place. He’d use her until there was nothing left of herself to give and then he’d get rid of her. 

She has resigned herself to this fate. She has no hope left. To kill herself may be a blessing. The problem is she has nothing which would accomplish her task. Nothing within her reach. Would she go through with it if she did? A small piece of glass she could use to slit her wrist. A nail would puncture her skin, a rusty nail may be the answer she needs. Thinking about it brings a small smile to her face. Anything is better than this. A rusty nail would bring with it a fever of the worst kind. An infection raging through her body. She couldn’t bring herself to care anymore. 

Her mind shatters and bends. Thoughts swirl and follow her throughout her day. He comes at noon. His hands are rough. Her body is worn and tired. When he’s done, he tosses some rags her way and walks out the door. She’s left trying to figure out why. Why she has to endure, why she won’t just give up. Her mind tells her to give in. Go to sleep and don’t wake up. Her body isn’t her own anymore. It belongs to him to do as he pleases. The bruises and broken bones heal in time. There is no more screaming, there is no more pleading. There is only silence and the grunts from him as he lays atop her. He reminds her of the animals on the farm. The most basic needs and barbaric practices. He is an animal.

Her nails are torn. Her dress is filthy. Her hair hangs greasy and limp. She lies staring at the ceiling watching as the spider spins its web. He’s her only companion. His intricate web delights her, eliciting a laugh. She contemplates crawling into the spider's lair. She wonders if the web is sticky. Would the web cocoon her, keep her safe? Her thoughts become thoughts for another day. Today is a day of silence. A day for prayer and whispers. 

Softly she says will someone save me, as a tear slides slowly down her face. She is alone, God has forsaken her. She closes her eyes and waits. She waits for his footsteps because as hideous as he is he brings comfort with his familiarity. He offers solace with his touch. 

He’s taken her beauty; he’s taken her soul. He’s stolen her desire to live. There are no more wishes. There are no more dreams. Only whispers that aren’t real. Secrets that have been exposed. A crushing realization that crosses her mind. Etched forever in her memory. She is where she is and will forever be. There are no tomorrows. 

The scream bubbles up escaping her throat. It’s released into the empty air. No one heard but the spider who continued spinning his web. Her scream echoed and bounced as silence once more claimed its space. Her body lies in wait. His to have and his to take.

Don't let this happen to you or yours.

The World is a scary place.

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