My Eyes Won't Close

Hello sleepy

My mind is awake and it’s one in the morning. I cannot seem to shut it down. It’s hard for me to take a deep breath. I toss and turn and try to close my eyes. To no avail. My eyes pop open, I’m awake, sleep is not a viable option. What do I do? Lay on my back. No, that doesn’t help. Try to think about something else besides what is keeping me awake. No chance of that. 

It Happened

Let’s rewind for a bit. I work retail and I am now a key person. This means I complete closing the till duties. While I was just a sales associate, I handed my till off to the key person and they had to close my session and reconcile my till. Now that person is me. I’m telling you right now I abhor numbers. If everything doesn’t go right, I get paranoid. Last night, things didn’t go right. We were off the total amount by almost twenty dollars. Me figuring it out was not going to happen. Ending it was the only thing to do. I texted my manager and told her the total amount differed. She said she would look at it in the morning.  This is the reason I cannot sleep. I take a small little problem and blow it up into this huge catastrophe in my mind. Oh my God what did I do? Is this my fault? Am I a dumb ass? Of course it’s my fault, silly. Whose fault would it be otherwise. On and on into the night. My mind would not shut down. Overactive imagination. The clock moved from one to three, to four and then five. I gave up at five am and got up. Made myself some breakfast and a cup of coffee. And started my day.

No Sleep

Looking like death warmed over I returned the set of keys to the store. My manager was there, and she said, Wendy everything was fine, it was only .05 cents off. I looked at her like she was crazy. Because when I left it was almost twenty dollars too short. She told me, it corrects itself during the night. It did. I did everything right and I lost 8 hours of sleep worrying about .05 cents. Shaking my head I told my husband who said, I told you worrying about it wouldn’t change it. 

In the end my worry was for nothing. Why oh why do I do this to myself. It seems as if I cannot help it. Am I riddled with anxiety, a bundle of nerves? What the hell is the matter with me? 

It's Time

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I’ve told Gary I’ll most likely die of dementia, or a heart attack from the stress I put myself under. He said, Ernie and I will miss you. Is there anything I can do to change this way of thinking? I take the smallest problem and turn it into this monumental thing that gives me sleepless nights fraught with worry. Is there medication I should be on? Most likely I wouldn’t take it anyway since I abhor medication and take as little as possible. What causes me to react like this? Do I think so little of myself that I think everything that happens has to be my fault? That I did indeed do something wrong. Am I that stupid. I’d like to think not. Recognizing you have a problem are the first steps to correcting said problem. I’m just unsure of the way to correct it. 

For now, I’ll try not to get stressed out. Good luck with that. Right now I need a nap.

I’ll strategize when I wake up. 

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Maybe or maybe not.

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