It Took Me a Lifetime to Learn How to Love

Its Personal

I’m going to dig down into the thoughts and feelings I keep buried way down deep. I bury them because I don’t want to confront or acknowledge them. They are safely tucked away never to be heard from again. Until now.

Childhood

As we all know our childhood shapes and transforms us into the person we become as an adult. A child who comes from loving parents grows up to become a confident loving adult. Easy peasy, but what about the child who comes from parents who offer no love. Whose hearts and bodies are as barren as the Sahara Desert. Their souls and eyes empty of any kind of encouragement, empathy, love or kindness. Their silence speaks volumes, and their random acts of violence create chaos in an already shattered heart. Let the pieces fall where they may. 

It Took Awhile

To learn how to love took me a lifetime. It wasn’t something that was easy. When a heart is empty and a soul ceases to function, an overhaul becomes gargantuan. Before life was merely an existence. Living, working, being a mom, friend, or co-worker left my heart adrift. Not knowing how to mend it, I took the wrong turn many different times. In order to love others, I needed to learn how to love myself. Riddled with doubt since I was a child this was not an easy journey. Self-doubt comes easy. Forgiveness requires patience, care and an understanding. 

Kindness Counts

In order to stop the internal loathing, kindness has to come into play. When it’s absent it causes chaos and destruction. You see none of us are born with love in our hearts. It is learned through attachment. A smile, or touch gestures that are shown with approval. If this is absent as a child there is no attachment formed, leaving a child filled with anguish and a stunted, ugly childhood. There is an existence but no joy. Ultimately there begins a simmering anger. An urge to strike out and hurt, before we get hurt ourselves. Pushing everyone away and building a wall around our heart. Impenetrable so we will never again be hurt. While this works as time passes it doesn’t resolve anything. Life passes by without any real joy or sorrow. Just this bottomless emptiness we carry around within us.

Forgive Yourself

Forgiveness is a start. Forgiving ourselves for all the mistakes made along the way. There are too many to count. Kindness plays a part in loving oneself also. Looking back, I remember the first time someone was kind. Wanting and asking for nothing in return. The idea was so foreign I almost didn’t recognize it. This person, bless her heart, is still in my life. Showing me what love was for the first time in my life. I will be forever grateful for her and love her more than any words can express.

Never Too old to Learn

I’m still learning, nothing in this life comes easy. Learning how to love myself is a journey I struggle with. Loving others comes easier for me. Letting go of the past and all the baggage I’ve carried around for so long is like a snake shedding its skin. A rebirth of sorts, a baptism with the world as my church.

Grandkids Equal Love

Being a grandparent has helped tremendously. My love for my grandkids is what keeps me alive. I would do anything for them. There are no boundaries nor a mountain I wouldn’t climb if I thought they needed me. They mean the world to me, and I love them all unconditionally.

It Never Ends

Working on myself will be a lifetime commitment. Self-doubt creeps in at the worst of times. Redirecting is something that happens frequently. Stability helps, with a loving husband, three beautiful kids, and three grandkids who I cannot live without.

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Life is too short, believe in yourself, don’t stress the small stuff, remember what’s most important. 

Above all else, love yourself.

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