I Learned Long Ago

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A Girl Forgotten

I learned a long time ago that I didn't matter.

I learned when I was born to a mother and father who didn't love me, I didn't matter.

I learned as a child who had no friends, I didn't matter.

I learned when I was made fun of, I didn't matter.

I learned when no one wanted to play with me, I didn't matter.

I learned as I got older, I didn't matter.

I Iearned once I got married, he said he loved me, but it turned out he didn’t.

I learned when I got divorced, I didn’t matter.

I learned when I was bullied, I didn’t matter.

I learned when people said hurtful things, I didn’t matter.

I learned from the girl who I thought was a friend, but really wasn’t.

I learned from the guy who used his fists on me.

I learned from myself. A girl born but never wanted.

I learned from the world; I didn't matter.

I learned to just let things go, because I didn't matter.

I learned when I closed my eyes for the last time, I didn’t matter.

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This is the poem of a girl born and forgotten. Her parents lack of love instilled in her a sense of hopelessness. Never measuring up or being good enough. When a bond is not forged between child and parent, oftentimes kids are adrift in their own misery. Never feeling a sense of belonging or fitting in. Always on the outside looking in. Friendships are forged but often not kept. Unloved children create an outer shell around their hearts. Protection, they do not want to be hurt. They present a tough exterior but in actuality have a soft interior. It doesn’t take much to hurt or wound them. Never having been loved, they do not know how to love. 

A Different Face

Growing up they portray themselves one way, when inside they are full of insecurities. They present a brave face to the world, but in private the mask falls off. Crying jags are frequent, belittling themselves is a constant persistent behavior pattern. Oftentimes they will be found on the outskirts of every party. Standing by themselves, unsure whether to stay or turn and flee. Their truth is no one would miss them if they left. No one even knows they are there in the first place. Unloved and unwanted, home is their security blanket. The only place they feel safe. They are unworthy of anyone’s attention; loneliness is their only friend. A constant companion in this world of people packed like sardines into a too small space. Walking down the sidewalk people forever in a hurry as they speed by. Always on the run, always having to be somewhere. The city can be the loneliest place in the world even when its jam packed with people. 

Please Accept Me

The struggle to be accepted is real. Being thought of as different can be heartbreaking and have devastating consequences. Everyone wants to be wanted, we all want to feel loved. There is no one who yearns to be alone and unwelcome.

Suicides happen with a frequency that’s alarming. Especially among the young.

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I learned I didn’t matter when I took my own life.