Are You Awake

2:30 am

I find myself wide awake writing this at 2:30 in the morning. Why can’t I sleep? Am I worried about something? Because I’m always worried about something. It’s in my DNA. If there were nothing to worry about, what would I do? Some people are just worriers, and I am one of them. It will most likely kill me in the end. Because I cannot seem to find a way not to worry. At this precise moment though, I am not sure I am worried about anything. So, that worries me. Why can’t I fall back asleep? Normally my brain fires away thoughts a million miles a minute. Right now, there isn’t a thought in my head. 

Do We Eat

I’ll close my eyes and lay there and try to pretend I’m sleeping. But sooner rather than later my eyes pop open and I realize I’m wide awake. So, what else is there to do but write. Getting up and looking for a snack is an option. There are some bars I made earlier in the week that are waiting for me. It is safer for me and my hips if I stay away from those at this time in the morning. So, I’ll stay in bed. 

It’s quiet right now although I hear the lonely whistle of a train as it goes through town. I’ve always thought that was the saddest sound.

 Gary is sleeping and Ernie is beside me sleeping as well. They say there is no rest for the wicked. Maybe that’s me. 

I’m yawning so my body is telling me it’s time to rest. My mind says differently. If I put this phone down and close my eyes, will it happen? Will I fall asleep? 

Is It Insomnia

Insomnia is a thing and perhaps it’s affecting me. They say it’s related to stress and anxiety. That’s me also. Although I’m not quite sure what I’m stressed out about now. Ernie stresses me out at times with his reactivity. Treatment for insomnia is self-care. This is something I think I do. Exercising regularly and eating well are two things I incorporate into my life. Ernie has his first grooming session since he was attacked. But I’m looking forward to that. It does stress me out leaving him there, just because I think it stresses him out when I leave. He is improving though. Our grandson spent a couple days with us, and Ernie was very good with him. He normally doesn’t react well with people in the house who do not live here. He has made progress though. Right after his attack he reacted to everything once again. I’d just gotten him mostly over that hump, but he digressed. An attack will do that. Poor dog, he’s been through a lot in his life. But he’s tough so he will be fine. He’s already improving and will continue to do so. 

Is This Common

Back to not sleeping. It is common to wake up two to three times during the night. That being said, I do not think it’s common to stay awake for an hour or two after waking up. Waking up, rolling over and going back to sleep is common. What I’m doing is not that. It’s almost 3 am now. In all reality I need to put my phone down and try to go to sleep. If I have to try, what is that telling me? Sleep should be an automatic thing. Not something you have to try to do.  

Always Ernie

Ernie sleeps next to me now. He never used to do that. He’d always curl up at the end of the bed. He trusts me and has bonded with me. I praise him regularly believing it helps with his reactivity. It does. He responds well to positive energy. Asoft voice and eye contact goes far with him.

Lights Out

Ok, enough now I’m putting down my phone and it’s lights out. Well, the lights are already out, but you know what I mean. It’s time to join the rest of the world and sleep. God knows I need it.

‍

Hopefully my eyes will not be open by the time the clock moves another hour. Wish me luck.

‍